Inner voice

I chose a David Fincher treat for myself today.
I was still blown away by his way of storytelling,
let alone those spectacular visuals and lines in Fight Club.

I looked at Tyler Durden and seemed to see myself in him.
A part of me is trying to be Tyler,
though I use to doubt if the masculinity in the movie fits into a female perspective.
I can't help but wonder,
what should we, girls, do to vent emotions and suppression in life, 
when we don't fight as hard as guys? 
I gotta admit I envy them, for finding a way out.
No matter if it is going to support groups, join clubs or participate in a project,
it is a way out. A way out lead people to somewhere they are mentally relieved.

In the meantime, I am still so fucking grounded by numerous of optical fibres.
It's like invisible strings. They surround you, and eventually make you surrendered.
You cannot live without them. You gotta reach out for them.
We become slaves under the name of convenience.
You could tell how they got relationships crashed.
They enhance communication and slowly murder communication.
We slowly put our lives, relationships, all the things we've cared about, in their hands.
For technology's sake, we all end up being with a hard and cold little screen,
which will eventually expose you,
putting all your vulnerability, all your wounds,  all your fears, under the bright daylight.
And you will get a serious sunburnt.

I hate myself for being too sober to overthink things.
People just don't understand.
Maybe I am mourning out of nothing. Maybe I am pessimistic in nature.
I don't know. I don't know what's wrong with me.
I don't even when the fuck I start thinking about continuity of relationships,
and believing in the worst part of it.
I don't know why would I start setting up bars secretly for people to meet,
and rejecting them if they fail.
I want to be happy, grateful, and free again.
I am despicable now, I know.
I am sick of all these shit.
I want to get rid of this so badly, but I don't know how.

For the record, another thing I know is that,
this is the worst birthday I've ever ever had so far.